so father is a pretty broad term. is a father just a sperm donor, a breadwinner, a disciplinarian? a little league coach, someone who walks his daughter down the aisle, fixes leaky faucets, teaches you to drive?
when i think of father, somehow i get this picture of this medieval king standing by his son, teaching him how to hold his sword, how to train for battle, whispering lessons about honor and courage, kindness and mercy, instilling a sense of purpose and confidence, bestowing a heritage of nobility. then i think of a father with his daughter, teaching her many of the same lessons, of courage, strength, of grace and showing his daughter that she is lovely and worthy of respect.
there are so many times when i just imagine myself as a father, in the fun happy times, but also in the hard times. i wonder how i'll respond when my son lets me down, or when my daughter gets a broken heart. will i make time to teach my son how to be a man, but give him space to become his own apart from my shadow. will i teach my daughter how lovely she is so that she doesn't run to some hairy legged idiot to find out.
more and more as i think about fatherhood, i realize that i still need to be fathered. that God is still working in me to reclaim the lost and broken parts of my heart. that only by letting go of my fears and hurts and even what i consider my strengths and sacrificing them before his greatness can i hope to imitate the great love he has for his creation.
i'm really thankful for 9 months. we go to the doctor on monday. it doesn't seem really real yet. i know my wife's body is changing in so many beautiful ways, but it just doesn't feel like i'm there yet. will i be, that is the question. can i get where i need to be to redeem fatherhood for my family. i guess we'll find out.
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