so father is a pretty broad term. is a father just a sperm donor, a breadwinner, a disciplinarian? a little league coach, someone who walks his daughter down the aisle, fixes leaky faucets, teaches you to drive?
when i think of father, somehow i get this picture of this medieval king standing by his son, teaching him how to hold his sword, how to train for battle, whispering lessons about honor and courage, kindness and mercy, instilling a sense of purpose and confidence, bestowing a heritage of nobility. then i think of a father with his daughter, teaching her many of the same lessons, of courage, strength, of grace and showing his daughter that she is lovely and worthy of respect.
there are so many times when i just imagine myself as a father, in the fun happy times, but also in the hard times. i wonder how i'll respond when my son lets me down, or when my daughter gets a broken heart. will i make time to teach my son how to be a man, but give him space to become his own apart from my shadow. will i teach my daughter how lovely she is so that she doesn't run to some hairy legged idiot to find out.
more and more as i think about fatherhood, i realize that i still need to be fathered. that God is still working in me to reclaim the lost and broken parts of my heart. that only by letting go of my fears and hurts and even what i consider my strengths and sacrificing them before his greatness can i hope to imitate the great love he has for his creation.
i'm really thankful for 9 months. we go to the doctor on monday. it doesn't seem really real yet. i know my wife's body is changing in so many beautiful ways, but it just doesn't feel like i'm there yet. will i be, that is the question. can i get where i need to be to redeem fatherhood for my family. i guess we'll find out.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
fatherhood
so my wife is 3 months pregnant. we are super excited, somewhat terrified but mostly excited. from my own yearnings as a son, i came up with this idea to write to my future spawn, nothing in particular, just my thoughts, my hopes, dreams, fears, etc. there's something in really knowing who your father is that helps you sort through discovering who you are and what you can become. so that is mostly what this is about for me, just an easier way to collect my thoughts for my children so that in 30 years when they are in a similar spot, they can gain some comfort from my experience, of course in 30 years, blogs will be directly linked by computer to your brain, so this won't be nearly as cool then...
the question in my mind right now, the one that really sticks with me, is what kind of father will i be?
being in vocational ministry brings me into contact with a lot of people, and to say that people are dramatically impacted by their relationship or lack thereof with their father is a ridiculously huge understatement. so many of the issues that plague our society can be traced to the breakdown of the family which can be traced to the weakness of men as fathers. fatherless men produce fatherless children.
i was blessed. my dad was loving, an amazing picture of the servant leader, a man willing to put all others before himself. he taught me to work hard, to care for others and that i could do anything i wanted to do, except be an accountant. and yet there is still to this day something missing from that father-son relationship. my dad has for a long time seemed broken, unable to impart wisdom and direction because he seems himself as lacking. so in many ways i have been forced to blindly feel my way through manhood. i taught myself to shave, worked my way through college, chose majors, jobs, churches all on my own. my dad was unwavering in his support of my ability to do, but unwilling or unable to show me how. its pretty heartbreaking to ask your father for some advice on marriage or fatherhood and to be met with some dismissive joke. so my relationship with my father has left me with this strong desire to take all the great things my dad taught me, and build on that to bridge some of the gaps in our relationship.
so, fatherhood.
being in vocational ministry brings me into contact with a lot of people, and to say that people are dramatically impacted by their relationship or lack thereof with their father is a ridiculously huge understatement. so many of the issues that plague our society can be traced to the breakdown of the family which can be traced to the weakness of men as fathers. fatherless men produce fatherless children.
i was blessed. my dad was loving, an amazing picture of the servant leader, a man willing to put all others before himself. he taught me to work hard, to care for others and that i could do anything i wanted to do, except be an accountant. and yet there is still to this day something missing from that father-son relationship. my dad has for a long time seemed broken, unable to impart wisdom and direction because he seems himself as lacking. so in many ways i have been forced to blindly feel my way through manhood. i taught myself to shave, worked my way through college, chose majors, jobs, churches all on my own. my dad was unwavering in his support of my ability to do, but unwilling or unable to show me how. its pretty heartbreaking to ask your father for some advice on marriage or fatherhood and to be met with some dismissive joke. so my relationship with my father has left me with this strong desire to take all the great things my dad taught me, and build on that to bridge some of the gaps in our relationship.
so, fatherhood.
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