Today is the day that we give thanks. Really what we do is eat too much and watch football and hang with family that we may or may not be really close with. But a little part of us also gives thanks.
Thankfulness is a pretty natural space for me these days. I have a life that I've worked hard for, but i've also been given gifts that I could never earn. My wife is one of the most phenomenal people I know. The perfect compliment to me in nearly every way. She loves and supports me and calls me higher as a husband, father and man. I have three healthy, beautiful, intelligent sons. I have a home and food and a job that I love. Gratitude is easy for me. Still, as I sat in the middle of a bunch of family today, watching you boys run around w/ your cousins Aubrey, Lila and Ellery, I felt on edge and lonely. Afton spent time connecting w/ Aunt Amber and Uncle Pat and Papa talked too. My brother and mom and grandma are in Tulsa together, my sister and her family are together too. I really miss my dad. It seems like 3 years out and I'm still grieving and more in the past week than in most of the previous year.
My family is interesting. All of us kids, we've led very different paths. We're very different people. And we've walked our paths on our own. Amber has always been close w/ my mom's mom and was pretty much raised by her in many ways. She works so hard to keep it together, but it's so hard for her to let people in. Miah was left to fend for himself and is still growing up, even at 29. He's struggled w/ shame and guilt that have led him to drugs to avoid the pain. I've had to figure out a great many things for myself, having to trust in the Lord most of the way. He's been super faithful to me and given me surrogates
So for about the past six months, i've been meaning to write to you. I've wanted to tell you how much you mean to me. I've wanted to tell you how grateful that I am for you. I guess today is as good a day as any. For the last 4 years, you have poured into me so much more than you know. You have been the mother and friend that I desperately needed. Even though she's still alive, my own mom just doesn't have the capacity to care for me in the ways I need. Wether you know it or not, I truly believe that the Lord smushed our lives together. There've been so many times that I doubted myself, doubted my gifts, doubted my career choice. So many times that I wanted to quit. Every time we talked, i left lifted. Our conversations at TBH and the Gypsy were the lifeboat that carried me through some unbelievably difficult times. You know me and my heart and you affirm me so well. You love my family and my kids just because. You're an incredibly skilled clinician of course, but what I learned the most was how much people need to be seen. You of all the people in the world know me best, second only to my wife, because you know, marriage. You saw things in me that i couldn't see yet. Calo is so absolutely the spot for me. I wouldn't have made it here without you. For the rest of my life, when I look back and think of the people who walked with me along my path, I will treasure our time together. Rebecca, I am so so grateful for you. I just wanted you to know. Love you.
-Josh
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