Today is the day that we give thanks. Really what we do is eat too much and watch football and hang with family that we may or may not be really close with. But a little part of us also gives thanks.
Thankfulness is a pretty natural space for me these days. I have a life that I've worked hard for, but i've also been given gifts that I could never earn. My wife is one of the most phenomenal people I know. The perfect compliment to me in nearly every way. She loves and supports me and calls me higher as a husband, father and man. I have three healthy, beautiful, intelligent sons. I have a home and food and a job that I love. Gratitude is easy for me. Still, as I sat in the middle of a bunch of family today, watching you boys run around w/ your cousins Aubrey, Lila and Ellery, I felt on edge and lonely. Afton spent time connecting w/ Aunt Amber and Uncle Pat and Papa talked too. My brother and mom and grandma are in Tulsa together, my sister and her family are together too. I really miss my dad. It seems like 3 years out and I'm still grieving and more in the past week than in most of the previous year.
My family is interesting. All of us kids, we've led very different paths. We're very different people. And we've walked our paths on our own. Amber has always been close w/ my mom's mom and was pretty much raised by her in many ways. She works so hard to keep it together, but it's so hard for her to let people in. Miah was left to fend for himself and is still growing up, even at 29. He's struggled w/ shame and guilt that have led him to drugs to avoid the pain. I've had to figure out a great many things for myself, having to trust in the Lord most of the way. He's been super faithful to me and given me surrogates
So for about the past six months, i've been meaning to write to you. I've wanted to tell you how much you mean to me. I've wanted to tell you how grateful that I am for you. I guess today is as good a day as any. For the last 4 years, you have poured into me so much more than you know. You have been the mother and friend that I desperately needed. Even though she's still alive, my own mom just doesn't have the capacity to care for me in the ways I need. Wether you know it or not, I truly believe that the Lord smushed our lives together. There've been so many times that I doubted myself, doubted my gifts, doubted my career choice. So many times that I wanted to quit. Every time we talked, i left lifted. Our conversations at TBH and the Gypsy were the lifeboat that carried me through some unbelievably difficult times. You know me and my heart and you affirm me so well. You love my family and my kids just because. You're an incredibly skilled clinician of course, but what I learned the most was how much people need to be seen. You of all the people in the world know me best, second only to my wife, because you know, marriage. You saw things in me that i couldn't see yet. Calo is so absolutely the spot for me. I wouldn't have made it here without you. For the rest of my life, when I look back and think of the people who walked with me along my path, I will treasure our time together. Rebecca, I am so so grateful for you. I just wanted you to know. Love you.
-Josh
Monday, December 5, 2016
Grandfathered
So yesterday I got a text from a friend saying that a man named Merland Severson was celebrating probably his last birthday and his family was asking for letters and encouragements to read to him. This is what I sent to him.
Dear Merland-
In 2010, the Lord brought my wife Afton and I to Believers Church in Tulsa. I came to work as the Jr. High Pastor, and I came as an orphan. My parents were both still alive but I was an orphan no less. An orphan in my heart, very capable, but desperately seeking to find a home and someone to care for me. Believers Church represented that home for me, where I learned to settle into the Father's arms. You were part of that homecoming.
You see, I never really knew either of my grandfathers. My mom's dad died of cancer before I was born, and my dad's dad had a stroke when I was about 10. I remember him, but not well. This was a wound for me for a long time, especially as I grew into manhood and started a family. There was no patriarch in my family. My own father was frail and afflicted by depression and so I was thrust into that position. The strongest man in my family, but weakened by uncertainty. So I sought the Lord and threw my weakness at his feet. I decided to trust him, to depend on him, to need him for my strength. My wife gave birth to my first two sons, and I was so scared to try to raise them. I thought, how can I bring these babies into manhood when I still on that journey myself. Somewhere in that journey, I met you.
My ancestors migrated from Sweden, so I was I think naturally drawn to your Scandinavian stature. I'm a big guy myself, so I don't often feel hugged, but man, I enjoy a hug from you. Probably every time I saw you on a Sunday, we would find ourselves in a hearty embrace and you would say "Oh bless you, bless you, bless you".Your joy and presence bring me joy. I remember sitting in church one morning in some kind of crisis, wondering if I could manage to serve the Lord for the rest of my days, and lamenting that I had no idea what that really looked like. Tim played the song "I Need Thee Every Hour". Behind me I heard this booming voice, which was so sincere and honest and humble, crying out to the Lord. I looked back and saw you with your massive strong hands lifted to the Lord and tears in your eyes. I thought to myself "surely this man has lived so much life has got a great many things figured out and yet there was no pride in your voice". I felt the Lord telling me "this is what it looks like to serve Me all of your days" and I wept. You didn't know it, but your obedience and humility filled a hole in my heart that day.
Another great time was when you and Ann invited me to your house in Tulsa and we just sat and talked for a bit. You told me stories of working with Leonard Ravenhill and you prayed for me. I wanted to have that space of stories and prayer with my own grandfathers and even with my own father, but never did. You were the Lord's surrogate for me and brought me great joy.
My most precious memory though is when you honored me in standing with my family as we dedicated by oldest two boys to the Lord. Bear was 4 and Boss was less than a year old, and we finally got around to doing it. You were about to leave Tulsa, and my own father had passed away the previous year. I felt more fatherless than ever. I don't really remember what was said, but I remember your hand on my head. I felt in that moment as you prayed a blessing over my sons and over me something like when Jacob must have spoken blessing over Joseph's sons Ephraim and Manasseh. It was a moment so full of the Lord's presence that I just cried and cried. I felt like you passed something to me. I felt like the Lord was again reminding me of His faithfulness that Mark 10:29-30 describes. I knew that God will forever meet my needs as I lay them at His feet. I haven't seen you since that day, but if I could, I would wrap you up in a hearty hug and tell you how much I appreciate you.
So I will end with this and I hope you get to hear it:
Merland Severson, I bless you in the name of the Lord. I bless your years of faithfulness to the Lord and your humble obedience. As your heart turns toward your eternal home, I can hear the Spirit whispering the words that you will no doubt hear booming from the Father someday soon. "Well done! Well done good and faithful servant. You have run your race well and finished strong". May your family be filled with peace and may they carry the legacy and the mantle that you have borne so well for so long. I will miss you dear friend, but I know that we will see each other again and find ourselves in yet another hearty Scandinavian embrace. Please know, that each time I think of you, I am reminded of the Lord's goodness and faithfulness. If that's not a hell of a way to be remembered, I don't know what is. I love you.
Josh
Dear Merland-
In 2010, the Lord brought my wife Afton and I to Believers Church in Tulsa. I came to work as the Jr. High Pastor, and I came as an orphan. My parents were both still alive but I was an orphan no less. An orphan in my heart, very capable, but desperately seeking to find a home and someone to care for me. Believers Church represented that home for me, where I learned to settle into the Father's arms. You were part of that homecoming.
You see, I never really knew either of my grandfathers. My mom's dad died of cancer before I was born, and my dad's dad had a stroke when I was about 10. I remember him, but not well. This was a wound for me for a long time, especially as I grew into manhood and started a family. There was no patriarch in my family. My own father was frail and afflicted by depression and so I was thrust into that position. The strongest man in my family, but weakened by uncertainty. So I sought the Lord and threw my weakness at his feet. I decided to trust him, to depend on him, to need him for my strength. My wife gave birth to my first two sons, and I was so scared to try to raise them. I thought, how can I bring these babies into manhood when I still on that journey myself. Somewhere in that journey, I met you.
My ancestors migrated from Sweden, so I was I think naturally drawn to your Scandinavian stature. I'm a big guy myself, so I don't often feel hugged, but man, I enjoy a hug from you. Probably every time I saw you on a Sunday, we would find ourselves in a hearty embrace and you would say "Oh bless you, bless you, bless you".Your joy and presence bring me joy. I remember sitting in church one morning in some kind of crisis, wondering if I could manage to serve the Lord for the rest of my days, and lamenting that I had no idea what that really looked like. Tim played the song "I Need Thee Every Hour". Behind me I heard this booming voice, which was so sincere and honest and humble, crying out to the Lord. I looked back and saw you with your massive strong hands lifted to the Lord and tears in your eyes. I thought to myself "surely this man has lived so much life has got a great many things figured out and yet there was no pride in your voice". I felt the Lord telling me "this is what it looks like to serve Me all of your days" and I wept. You didn't know it, but your obedience and humility filled a hole in my heart that day.
Another great time was when you and Ann invited me to your house in Tulsa and we just sat and talked for a bit. You told me stories of working with Leonard Ravenhill and you prayed for me. I wanted to have that space of stories and prayer with my own grandfathers and even with my own father, but never did. You were the Lord's surrogate for me and brought me great joy.
My most precious memory though is when you honored me in standing with my family as we dedicated by oldest two boys to the Lord. Bear was 4 and Boss was less than a year old, and we finally got around to doing it. You were about to leave Tulsa, and my own father had passed away the previous year. I felt more fatherless than ever. I don't really remember what was said, but I remember your hand on my head. I felt in that moment as you prayed a blessing over my sons and over me something like when Jacob must have spoken blessing over Joseph's sons Ephraim and Manasseh. It was a moment so full of the Lord's presence that I just cried and cried. I felt like you passed something to me. I felt like the Lord was again reminding me of His faithfulness that Mark 10:29-30 describes. I knew that God will forever meet my needs as I lay them at His feet. I haven't seen you since that day, but if I could, I would wrap you up in a hearty hug and tell you how much I appreciate you.
So I will end with this and I hope you get to hear it:
Merland Severson, I bless you in the name of the Lord. I bless your years of faithfulness to the Lord and your humble obedience. As your heart turns toward your eternal home, I can hear the Spirit whispering the words that you will no doubt hear booming from the Father someday soon. "Well done! Well done good and faithful servant. You have run your race well and finished strong". May your family be filled with peace and may they carry the legacy and the mantle that you have borne so well for so long. I will miss you dear friend, but I know that we will see each other again and find ourselves in yet another hearty Scandinavian embrace. Please know, that each time I think of you, I am reminded of the Lord's goodness and faithfulness. If that's not a hell of a way to be remembered, I don't know what is. I love you.
Josh
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