So its been several weeks since i've sat down and written to you. Life has this funny way of getting super busy, and when you get busy, you forget to sit and dream, to contemplate the deeper things in life, to allow God to stir things in your heart, which is no good. You and I and every man must make time and space for thinking, otherwise we run blindly along through life with our face on the next step and forget to take in the grandeur and immensity of life.
So, its now 6 1/2 weeks until you are due to arrive, and you can often be seen wiggling around and contorting your your mom's stomach like some sort of alien spawn. Your mom is such a champion. Never take for granted the fact that your mom has gone through so much to bring you into the world. Also never let her complain about it around you, because she loves it. Tell her that's the price for the privilege of carrying greatness.. (you better prepare yourself, i think this is gonna be a long one). So needless to say, six weeks isn't very long, and we're busy busy getting things ready for you, painting, cleaning, buying, sewing, etc. I'm working on my last big assignment for you, which is the big red rocker, which i'm hoping you'll remember at this point in your life.
So one day months ago, your mom and i were shopping around a thrift store that we go to sometimes, and we saw this big ugly wooden chair straight out of the 70's, and i thought, "hmm, i should sit in that because its big and i'm big, its meant to be". So i sit down, and it starts rocking back and forth, and i get excited, because i have this flash of 2am feedings and trying to calm you back to sleep and singing you my favorite songs and you spitting up on me and what not, and so i talked your mom into it and we bought it for way like $65, with the understanding of course that we would paint it. (the reason it is red is because anytime we paint anything, i always suggest red, and this is the first time your mom has ever given in, so of course, i'm excited). So there it sat in the house, in various places for months while i fiddled here and there with it, but in the last couple of weeks i've decided to get going on it.
I don't really like to work, because its work. There's a reason you don't get paid to sit on the couch and watch TV. But of course, toil and labor is a part of life since Adam went and screwed everything up for us. I really do believe that pre-sin we had the ability to create with our words just like God, but now, it just takes sweat, and in my case, lots of it. But i digress. So in the case of me and work, "good enough" has long been the standard of my labor. I only work as much as i have to in order to get by, but something about this project is different for me. I don't know if its just getting older, or the prospect of being a father, but i really do feel like God is stirring something in my heart about excellence. I've done research, bought new tools and materials in order to prepare the wood to take the paint as best as it can and now i've started painting, which i typically despise because it requires patience and being careful and paying attention to details, none of which comes naturally to me. Give me something heavy to lift and i'm like a fish in water, but painting, not so much. But i've found myself taking care to make sure i use long smooth strokes of paint in order to ensure the paint is smooth and not bumpy or runny. I'm actually planning to paint it 3 times, sanding it in between to make sure it looks as good as possible. And what's really weird is that i find myself dreaming while i paint.
Dreaming of sitting in that big red rocker with my son Bear, feeding him bottles and singing him songs, burping him and rocking him to sleep. I'm dreaming of reading stories to you while you sit in my lap and practice our letters. Dreaming of comforting you when you're sad and protecting you when you're scared, of consoling you after i spank your butt for disobeying me. All these things are erupting in my heart out of nowhere. Maybe it's God shaping my heart into a father's heart or maybe i'm just growing up, but there is something about doing this and everything with excellence. Not out of an attempt to earn acceptance or approval, but as a result of my acceptance and approval. There is this higher standard, a better way being unveiled to me that i think is about the kingdom of God versus the kingdom of the flesh.
Excellence leads to life, good enough leads to eventual death. Now i'm not claiming perfection or even excellence in most parts of my life, again, this is just a stirring in my heart. But lately i've been thinking about what makes a boy into a man and this strikes me as a big step. God's way is about excellence, about offering the best you have, about purity and integrity and character. He can tolerate no less than the best. Thank Jesus that we're made perfect in him and we don't have to try this on our own. I think that when we do the very best we know how, we look like God, and i think that brings him great joy.
Son, i hope i've taught you this by now, but if it hasn't taken root yet, begin to pursue excellence in your life. Not in an effort to gain my or God's or anyone else's approval. I already love you more than makes sense and you're not born yet. But pursue it because it will bring you life and not death, it will bring fruit into your life that will sustain you and your family, it will help you to remain and not be scattered. Its not an easy thing, and i'm only beginning to change the way i think and live my life, but i have this strong suspicion it will be worth it. I'll let you know...
Love you Bear,
Dad
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