Forever Young

Hey Son-


So, it's the day before Thanksgiving 2011, you're very nearly six months old and growing so fast and developing so much every day. There's this song by Bob Dylan, called Forever Young. It happens to be a theme song on tv show your mom and I watch sometimes too, but it was a Bob Dylan song first. We printed out the lyrics and framed them and they hang in your room, hopefully they will for a long time. 


This morning, round about 5:15a, I was sitting with you in the red rocker, trying to help you fall asleep, and I decided to sing those lyrics to you. I'm not sure why but I began to cry a bit. Now this has been happening alot lately. The other day I was watching a movie called New York, I Love You, and there is this scene where a bickering old couple walk across town to a pier where they had gone every year on their anniversary for the last 63 years. Once they arrived, they both got quiet, then the wife laid her head on the husbands shoulder and hugged his arm. He leaned down and kissed her, and I was sitting there by myself while you were sleeping in the other room, crying..And there was some other instance of a couple married for 65 years or something, kissing each other, making me cry, so maybe it has something to do with love, with family...anyways...


The lyrics to that song go like this:

May God bless and keep you always
May your wishes all come true
May you always do for others
And let others do for you
May you build a ladder to the stars
And climb on every rung
May you stay forever young

May you grow up to be righteous
May you grow up to be true
May you always know the truth
And see the lights surrounding you
May you always be courageous
Stand upright and be strong
May you stay forever young

(this 3rd verse isn't printed in your room, but I included it for funzies)

May your hands always be busy
May your feet always be swift
May you have a strong foundation
When the winds of changes shift
May your heart always be joyful
May your song always be sung
May you stay forever young

So I sang the first two verses to you, almost as a prayer, well not even almost, I literally prayed a Bob Dylan song over you, which reminds me that truth is truth, and beauty is beauty, regardless of where it is found. Remember to look for it, seek it out, don't let others tell you what is truth or what is beautiful or what is good, find it. My prayer for you is that you are not a sheep, blindly going with the flow of culture or even the church, but that you would know God, really, truly, intimately know him. My prayer is that you would be a champion for the lost, hurting, broken of this world. That you would never see yourself as better as anyone, but never let anyone tell you that you are less. That you would know the gifts that you have and be confident and stable enough to celebrate the strength in other. That you would stand up in the face of despair and encourage, literally give courage, to those who have no hope. One of my foundation scriptures is Heb 10:39-We are not those who draw back to destruction, but those who believe and are saved. 

I pray that you live a life of adventure, of deep friendships, that you fall deeply in love with a woman of character and grow old with her, that you stand up for good and truth, that you live the true Kingdom of God, that you lend strength to the broken, that you find peace in the midst of turmoil and that you remember to look to the sky for inspiration, and that you would find it. 

How can I love you so much, I've only known you for 6 months. 

(I cried as I wrote that last paragraph, man tears of course)

Love you son, 

Dad

powerless

Good morning son!
Its 1:49am on a Friday. I just looked in on you and you were squirming around like a little caterpillar and grunting like you often do. I'm betting you're about to wake your mom up for a 2am feeding. You really ought to give your mom a hug after you read this. I'm wide awake because I was dumb enough to drink a diet coke later in the afternoon, so here we are.

Last night we all had an interesting time. We were putting you to bed, which involves giving you a new diaper, changing into pajamas and then one good feeding so you'll sleep for several hours. You've been a bit fussy lately and one of the only things that makes you feel better is eating, which has consequently made you a good sized little chubbers. Anyways, your mom was feeding you, and you were fine, but EVERY TIME she tried to burp you, you would lose it and just start screaming. We tried everything we could think of, but nothing quite worked. You had sucked all the milk out of your mom and milk was the only thing that could console you. Mom was getting frustrated because she couldn't give you the milk you wanted and I was frustrated because, well neither can I, ever. The best I can do is bottle feed you. So your mom is the Sahara, and the only milk we have in the house for you is frozen, so your mom goes to thaw some out, which leaves me holding precious little screaming inconsolable you. Finally your mom comes back with some milk, which I feed you and you finally calm down, until I try to burp you, then you lose it again. Then the bottle is empty, you continue to lose it. Mom is working on another bottle, you're still screaming. Its been 25 minutes now that you've been screaming. I'm starting to get flustered. Mom comes back with a bottle, you take it eventually, but not at first. This frustrates me more. You finish the bottle, I try to burp you, you scream, and I'm done. I put you in the cradle, determined to let you scream until you decide to stop. I'm completely overwhelmed.

Luckily your mom rebounded from her frustration and told me to give you to her, where she somehow managed to lull you instantly to sleep. I didn't see that part though. I was outside, taking some deep breaths, trying to calm myself from the urge to toss my firstborn son out the window.

Baby screams aren't that bad, in fact they'll only get louder and longer, but the frustration for me came from my utter powerlessness. Men are fixers by nature. We take pleasure in solving problems and bringing peace to turbulent situations. It helps us feel that we have some semblance of influence over our existence. The truth of the matter is that we are really pretty impotent, pretty weak and helpless and when the popsicle stick kingdom we build around us is blown away, we tend to revert back to our tantrum days. I think that is the real reason that it is so hard for men to serve God. We have an awfully hard time admitting that we can't do much on our own strength.

Now I'm not one to go around asking for help from just anyone. I've got a pretty healthy dose of man pride and i'll mess up a few dozen times trying to figure something out before i'll succumb to common sense and find someone who knows what's going on. Its hard to admit that you cant do something on your own, that you aren't powerful enough to conquer the universe. Especially if you have bought into the lie that your value lies in your ability or your power. Hopefully I have taught you about your sonship, to me and to God. Hopefully I have raised you to know that you are loved apart from what you do or do not accomplish. Hopefully you associate your actions with consequences and opportunities and not personal value. Hopefully. Its a pretty daunting task to be honest. One that I'm not sure that I can take on alone. So I leave you with this thought: Do all that you know to do, and when that runs out, learn more. When you find that that is not enough, and you have given all the effort you can muster, take a step back, take a deep breath, remember that you are a son and resign yourself to the sovereignty and power of All Mighty God. Seek his kingdom, his ways, his guidance and he'll lead you into all truth. He is the shepherd, we are the sheep in this deal. You and I are pretty awesome, and yet he is so much greater.

God has taught me this truth. Humility is not self-deprication, it is not denying your strength or hiding your light, it is simply recognizing how much greater is God's. Without humility, it is impossible to enter the Kingdom. Humility is not weakness, its just good common sense.
Love you son,
Dad

When you smile

So son-
   Today, you're 5 weeks and 2 days old. You weigh a bit over 11 lbs and are about 22 inches long. Your cousin Ellery was born yesterday and im sitting here watching you sleep in your swing while Maria Sharapova plays in the Wimbledon final, look here up, she's pretty cute.
   This morning i woke up to come settle you down. You had a pretty busy night last, up and crying about every hour or so, wanting to eat or needing to burp. Your mom is pretty worn out at this point in the game, but its amazing how the moment she looks at you, her attitude changes. She really really loves you.
   So when I walked into your room this morning, you looked up and gave me the quickest little smile. and it just about made my heart burst. You haven't been an especially smiley baby thus far. You're pretty mild mannered. You don't really cry unless you're hungry or gassy, in fact most of the time you have this very analytical look on your face like you are pondering the deep mysteries of the universe or wondering why everyone around you is so ridiculous. And when you do smile alot of times it is when you are sleeping or gassy, but every once in a while you drop this adorable grin and your eyes squint up. Its pretty awesome.
   I think the reason your smile is so powerful is because its so rare, and every little grin you give is a glimmer of hope that you will have the joyful life that we so desire for you. There is much pain in life, much toil and grief, but all of that can be overcome by simple joy. A simple laugh can break so much tension and melt so much sadness. Joy is not to be confused with happiness, joy is much stronger, much heartier. The word speaks a great deal about the importance of joyfullness in contrast to a broken spirit. A smile and a laugh will get you through the toughest times. So my son, my prayer for you is that in the midst of difficulty and pain, you will find the strength to grin, to smile and to laugh, and perhaps even find an appropriate and well timed joke.
Love you Bear
Dad

Well hey there

So you're here on the outside now. Last Wednesday May 25 I was sitting at my desk at the church when about 115 your mom called me and said "would you rather meet me at the hospital or the house?" My heart jumped and I met your mom at the house. We got to the hospital around 2pm and checked in. My friend Sarah Gruber was working as a nurse and we asked her to be our nurse. The whole labor process was long and pretty tough. Your mom was in crazy pain every 5 minutes for 17 hours, keeping a great attitude the whole time. I've never been so impressed with a person. A little after midnight she asked for an epidural, which made the next 6 hours pretty relaxed. At about 5am on Thursday, momma started pushing and at 6:19 you popped out. Well, really the doctor thrust her hands in around your head and yanked you out. We found out several days later that you had a fractured clavicle, we really didn't know though because you're such a tough guy. It was such an amazing experience. I guess some dads can't stand to be in the room because its too gross or whatever, but it really was miraculous. I still don't understand how everything works together to make a baby, but i'm glad everything does. So the doc yanked you out, and they handed me some scissors to cut the umbilical cord, and i channeled my inner Steve Tumpkin to really cut hard.

Then they placed you on your mom's chest and she was so happy and amazed at how beautiful you were. They put you under an incubator and were trying to get you to cry so you could cough up some junk in your lungs. You didn't cry much, but eventually they gave you a clean bill of health, though you had that wicked bruise down your right forearm. I was so terrified for the first couple of hours after you were born, mostly because they were still a bit concerned about your breathing, but relief finally set in when they let me take you back to mom.

I feel like i ought to break the next few thoughts down into bullet points to make it more palatable, so...

• your mom is the toughest most amazing person i know. I respect and love her now more than ever before
• I was freaking out the first time i changed your diaper because you were crying so hard, your poop was so sticky and some lactation nurse was trying to correct me over my shoulder
• SO many people have come by to see you in the past week. Its actually been tough to find some time alone for the 3 of us. 
• My new favorite activity in the world is placing you on my chest after your mom has fed you and watching you sleep with your booty in the air and your arms limp at your side while the side of your face is buried in my chest. We just sit there for hours. 
• Your mom blows my mind with how she wakes up in the middle of the night and feeds you for 2 hours sometimes and then can put you in a new diaper and back to sleep without me even waking up. She loves you so much. 
• The truth is I'm a little jealous of the quality time you have with her. I might regret thinking this later, but I can't wait until I can wake up and feed you from a bottle in the middle of the night. 

So yeah, you've been on the outside for going on 9 days now, and you're amazing. You grunt like a little bear all the time, and its my favorite sound ever. You have tiny hand and tiny toes and all i can think about is protecting you. I had a dream last night about shooting a guy who was trying to take you away from us. I've also been playing a game on my phone called "Dino Cap"where I shoot dinosaurs with a hand gun, so that might have something to do with it, but anyways, I can't wait to watch you grow up a little more every day. You're the greatest thing I've ever been a part of in my life.

Love you Bear-
Dad

the red rocker

Hey son-

So its been several weeks since i've sat down and written to you. Life has this funny way of getting super busy, and when you get busy, you forget to sit and dream, to contemplate the deeper things in life, to allow God to stir things in your heart, which is no good. You and I and every man must make time and space for thinking, otherwise we run blindly along through life with our face on the next step and forget to take in the grandeur and immensity of life. 

So, its now 6 1/2 weeks until you are due to arrive, and you can often be seen wiggling around and contorting your your mom's stomach like some sort of alien spawn. Your mom is such a champion. Never take for granted the fact that your mom has gone through so much to bring you into the world. Also never let her complain about it around you, because she loves it. Tell her that's the price for the privilege of carrying greatness.. (you better prepare yourself, i think this is gonna be a long one). So needless to say, six weeks isn't very long, and we're busy busy getting things ready for you, painting, cleaning, buying, sewing, etc. I'm working on my last big assignment for you, which is the big red rocker, which i'm hoping you'll remember at this point in your life. 

So one day months ago, your mom and i were shopping around a thrift store that we go to sometimes, and we saw this big ugly wooden chair straight out of the 70's, and i thought, "hmm, i should sit in that because its big and i'm big, its meant to be". So i sit down, and it starts rocking back and forth, and i get excited, because i have this flash of 2am feedings and trying to calm you back to sleep and singing you my favorite songs and you spitting up on me and what not, and so i talked your mom into it and we bought it for way like $65, with the understanding of course that we would paint it. (the reason it is red is because anytime we paint anything, i always suggest red, and this is the first time your mom has ever given in, so of course, i'm excited). So there it sat in the house, in various places for months while i fiddled here and there with it, but in the last couple of weeks i've decided to get going on it.

I don't really like to work, because its work. There's a reason you don't get paid to sit on the couch and watch TV. But of course, toil and labor is a part of life since Adam went and screwed everything up for us. I really do believe that pre-sin we had the ability to create with our words just like God, but now, it just takes sweat, and in my case, lots of it. But i digress. So in the case of me and work, "good enough" has long been the standard of my labor. I only work as much as i have to in order to get by, but something about this project is different for me. I don't know if its just getting older, or the prospect of being a father, but i really do feel like God is stirring something in my heart about excellence. I've done research, bought new tools and materials in order to prepare the wood to take the paint as best as it can and now i've started painting, which i typically despise because it requires patience and being careful and paying attention to details, none of which comes naturally to me. Give me something heavy to lift and i'm like a fish in water, but painting, not so much. But i've found myself taking care to make sure i use long smooth strokes of paint in order to ensure the paint is smooth and not bumpy or runny. I'm actually planning to paint it 3 times, sanding it in between to make sure it looks as good as possible. And what's really weird is that i find myself dreaming while i paint. 

Dreaming of sitting in that big red rocker with my son Bear, feeding him bottles and singing him songs, burping him and rocking him to sleep. I'm dreaming of reading stories to you while you sit in my lap and practice our letters. Dreaming of comforting you when you're sad and protecting you when you're scared, of consoling you after i spank your butt for disobeying me. All these things are erupting in my heart out of nowhere. Maybe it's God shaping my heart into a father's heart or maybe i'm just growing up, but there is something about doing this and everything with excellence. Not out of an attempt to earn acceptance or approval, but as a result of my acceptance and approval. There is this higher standard, a better way being unveiled to me that i think is about the kingdom of God versus the kingdom of the flesh. 

Excellence leads to life, good enough leads to eventual death. Now i'm not claiming perfection or even excellence in most parts of my life, again, this is just a stirring in my heart. But lately i've been thinking about what makes a boy into a man and this strikes me as a big step. God's way is about excellence, about offering the best you have, about purity and integrity and character. He can tolerate no less than the best. Thank Jesus that we're made perfect in him and we don't have to try this on our own. I think that when we do the very best we know how, we look like God, and i think that brings him great joy. 

Son, i hope i've taught you this by now, but if it hasn't taken root yet, begin to pursue excellence in your life. Not in an effort to gain my or God's or anyone else's approval. I already love you more than makes sense and you're not born yet. But pursue it because it will bring you life and not death, it will bring fruit into your life that will sustain you and your family, it will help you to remain and not be scattered. Its not an easy thing, and i'm only beginning to change the way i think and live my life, but i have this strong suspicion it will be worth it. I'll let you know...

Love you Bear, 

Dad

A good week

Hey Bear-
SO this week has been a good one, and i thought i'd share it with you. Your mom is working right now, she's had to work quite a bit lately since she is the boss at the auto auction. So this week has been one with a lot of really good financial things happening for us. Your mom got a check reimbursing her for the money we paid to run the test to find out you were a boy. Then I found out that a petition i had submitted to erase an $800 debt i owed to OSU had passed, so no more debt. Last night I found out that the counseling agency i work for is giving us a bump in pay from $23/hr to $32/hr. That's a lot. And this morning i interviewed to get into a graduate school program, which will eventually lead to more money.  It has been a week of financial blessing. The funny thing about financial blessing for your mom and i is that we don't really care about money.

Obviously you're at a place now where you realize the necessity of the financial system, but hopefully we've done our job of helping you see the importance of life apart from money and the things it buys. We use money for food, for bills, to exchange for pretty much everything we need in life, but we also recognize that life can be fulfilling with little and empty with much. I'm sure i've taught you about Matthew 6:33. Its a truth that guides my life. And when i say truth, i mean my life proves it. Everything good that i do is motivated by a sincere desire to please God. So my first thought is never, how can i make more, its how can i please God, because i recognize that he is actually my source. Its not a job, not a person or a certain number of hours working that meets my needs, it's humbly recognizing that i can't do it on my own, and that God in his goodness meets my needs. So many people try to buy happiness, but we have joy and happiness and fulfillment in being God's precious prized possession, and he takes care of the rest.
Anyways, i just wanted to share that with you. You've started kicking your mom from the inside more and more and she absolutely loves feeling you rumble around in there. I can't wait for you to rumble around out here. I love you Griz
Dad

Blizzard 2011

Hey Bear-

So you may not know this, but your mom and i have been pretty much stuck in the house for 3 days, along with everyone else in Tulsa. Monday night, Jan 31st it started snowing while your mom and i were out. We had decided to hit the grocery store at 11pm and were driving home when it started, and it kept snowing  most of the next day Feb 1, it was pretty crazy. I left the house around 9am to rescue our friend Jessica Willey who was working at starbucks and had been stranded at work, and it was nuts. It was only 4 miles away but it took 2 hours and 20 miles to get her. There were cars stranded everywhere, one had even caught on fire. Snow plows were stuck, semi trucks everywhere... just ridiculous. It ended up snowing an Oklahoma record 14". The entire city shut down. No stores open, school was cancelled for 4 days straight. So now its Thursday, I took Jessica home yesterday, and mom went to work for a little bit, so I spent some time working on your room, sanding trim and baseboards. I'm looking forward to teaching you how to do some of those things. I'm also looking forward to the snow melting so i can get outside and run around. you can only watch so many movies...

Last night you were kicking in your momma's belly. It was super cool. Every day i get more and more excited to see you. I can't wait to kiss your little feet, to hold your little hands, and wipe your little butt..

Love you son
Dad

A Boy

So son....weird to be able to call you that now. we went to the imaging center about a week and a half ago and had the in depth ultra sound taken. I guess you could say your first photo shoot. It was really interesting to me how quickly after that appointment that the devil started trying to mess with my mind. I was so happy to hear that you were my first son, and then all these crazy thoughts started popping up about "now that i let myself get excited about meeting you and all the fun things that we'll do together, now something bad will happen". Which is a bunch of trash. SO what i decided to do was start praying for you. I sent out an email to a bunch of dads in the church to see if they had scriptures that they prayed over their kids, and interestingly, no one really got back to me. Two lessons i learned: 1. when worry, doubt or fear tries to pop up and mess with your mind, go to the word, it is the unshakeable foundation that i have built my life on, and so far, its never failed me. 2. A man has to take responsibility for himself, his faith and his family, because no one else will do it for you. Which led me to make up my own list.

Its actually pretty cool, just a page full of scriptures, blessings, prayers that i want to speak over you. There is so much that i want to teach you, to show you about the world, to equip you for battle and victory in life. This dad thing is really pretty interesting. I'm terrified and excited all at once. I know that i'm going to mess up at some point, but i'm praying that our bond will be strong enough to deal with it.

So that brings me to your name. Family is a big deal for both your mom and I, and so we wanted to pay homage to our families but also to give you a name that incapsulates our wishes and prayers for you. I'm passing on my middle name to you.
Carroll: it means champion, one who overcomes difficulties and stands up for the weak and weary. It is my middle name, passed down from my dad, who was named after his uncle. It goes way back, and it binds us together with the strength of our heritage. It is also your grandpa kevin's middle name, though he spells it differently.
John: So it seems pretty common, pretty normal and it is, which is why we picked it. With two pretty uncommon names, we wanted to give you options, something you could use if you were ever embarrassed or just wanted to blend in. John was also my uncle's name, my mom's brother who i never got to meet because he died when he was 20. Uncle John was by all accounts a bigtime stud. An athlete, great skier,  popular, did his share of partying, but genuinely loved God. After losing his arm and most of his hair to cancer, John would throw on a wig and go to the mall and tell people about Jesus. He wouldn't let life stop him from doing what God called him to do.
Bear: Before i even knew your mom was pregnant, i thought i wanted to name a son Bear. It has a wild untamed feel to it. My whole life i have loved nature, i've connected to God through nature, and i didn't think you'd appreciate being named Sunset...you're also sort of named after Bear Grylls, an adventurer that has become a personal hero of mine. I'm sure i'll tell you all about him as you get older. My heart for you is that you would love adventure. That you would walk in wisdom of course, but that fear would not factor in to the way you live your life. I know that failure happens, i've experienced some myself, and that's ok, as long as you leave it on the field, as long as you don't stay on the sidelines. So I chose a name for you that would start you on that path. Dream, Explore, Try, Fail if you must, but always try. Boats are safe in harbor, but boats are made for sailing.

Love you bud
Dad