Hey there boys!
It's 10p on a Thursday night. Everyone is in bed, Boss in his rock and play, Bear and Momma in my bed as is customary these days. Bear, you really hate being alone. Boss, you don't seem to mind much when it comes to sleeping. I'm sitting at my desk, listening to a band called The Head and the Heart. They're pretty great. It's been about six months since I wrote, and I feel bad about that, because I want this to not always be so dramatic. Some days I just want to say hi. But this year has been tough. A lot of life and work has left me feeling emotionally drained, and sometimes I don't feel like I have the capacity to sit down, and type out something meaningful and inspiring. Sometimes, I just want to numb out. But I realize as I'm writing this that what the people in my life need is not someone who is always strong or always inspiring, not always the best, most polished version of me, but just me. As i lay in bed tonight, I was making fun of your mom and then I realized something tragic. I can't ever remember my dad crying. Like, never. See for the last 10 years or so of my dad's life, I think he was depressed, and severely for the last 3 or 4 years of his life. After he lost the house, his body just sort of shut down and he seemed to age extra fast. My 64 year old dad seemed 100 years old. I asked him once about how he shut down and essentially he told me that he did it to protect everyone from unnecessary anxiety. He was selfless, but foolish and proud too. None can bear the weight of life all alone. We are only as strong as those surrounding and supporting us.
So I'm 31, working as a counselor for a really ridiculously poorly run agency. Money is tight, stress is high, but life is good. Worry has become a regular part of my life, which is a weird experience. I wasn't always so anxious. Maybe its that for the first time, I feel like I have something to lose. I have people counting on my consistency and care to make their lives healthy and stable. I'm a dad, like for real. I'm two people's parent. Most of what I see everyday at work is the effects of fatherlessness. Its ugly, and it breaks my heart. Next Tuesday, Nov 11 will mark one year since the last time I talked to my dad, like really talked to him. It was one of the most important conversations of my life, and it lasted just a minute. Six days before he died, I knelt down next to his lift chair and I told him how proud I was to be his son. I told him that all of the good things in me, I learned from him. I learned strength of character, compassion, humility and hard work. I learned to keep my thoughts to myself and listen to others. I learned how to be funny, and how to not laugh at my own jokes, just incase they bombed. I told him that I knew that he felt like his life was a failure because he worked as a pizza man and because he lost his house, but that a tree is judged by the goodness of its fruit. And that the fruit of his life, his kids, was so good. Now that I think of it, he may have gotten teary that night, but he certainly didn't cry. Luckily for you guys, you're dad is a pretty great crier. I've already cried like 3 different times just writing this. One of the most important things I have learned in my journey into manhood is the importance and power of vulnerability and humility. Hopefully you grow up looking up to your ol dad. Maybe I'll even be your hero for a time. As you enter adolescence, you'll begin to see the wrinkles and cracks of humanity in me. You'll see all of the ways that you don't want to be like me, all of the ways you can improve the quality of the Nordean man. And that's good, you're supposed to do that. That's how we grow. My great hope is that both of my sons will be better men than I, that they will be their own men, but great men. One thing that I ask you to hold onto though, is that tenderness and willingness to cry.
In the world you've been born into, tears are like kryptonite. Some mystical evil that weakens us and saps us of all of our super strength. But tears are the most powerful and natural expression of that great gift that God gave us in emotion. Emotion ill expressed can be reckless and destructive, but knowing what you feel, allowing yourself to feel it and expressing it in the appropriate way is the mark of emotional maturity. All men feel grief and sadness, embarrassment, frustration, hurt and disappointment. Not all men find ways to express it apart from hitting something. I didn't always. There is a filing cabinet at my mom's house all dented to hell from the frustrations and hurts of my high school and college years. But you my sons, you will see me cry. You'll feel the wet warmth of my tears as I hold you in your grief. You'll see me at church as the Lord cracks off the crustiness of my heart. You'll probably be embarrassed, you'll maybe feel I'm weak. But if you could only know the great strength of my tears. They hold all of the love in my heart, all of the hope, all of the joy. They hold every bit of my shame and regret. They hold my weakness, and they make me mighty. Know that you are loved, and that its ok to get red-faced, snotty and just downright indignant if you need to. Let yourself be held up by your friends and family, be present in the pain and let yourself feel, really feel, even when its hard. Because my sons, life has great joy and great sorrow to offer to you, and its all really good and really hard, but its all important. You can't only feel the good all of the time. And you won't always be sad. But know that you are loved by me and by the Almighty Father. We both weep with you in joy and sadness, and let every salty drop remind you that you belong and you'll be ok.
I love you both with all I am,
Dad
PS. Ben Howard has this song called "Oats in the Water" that is so so cool, and I played it several times while writing to you.
Thursday, November 6, 2014
Monday, May 26, 2014
Boss Ryan
Bossy-
So as I write this, I'm feeling pretty guilty. I thought that I would write you a letter on the day that you were born, something to tell you exactly how I felt watching you enter this world. And that was like 10 weeks ago. Luckily, I'm pretty sharp and I can remember most all of it.
First off, I want to tell you about your name. No doubt, you'll take some slack from ignorant people who can't think of anything very original or creative to say about your name, so you'll likely hear the same comments most of your life. For that I am sorry, not for giving you your name, but just for all of the stupid people in the world you are entering. Boss is a strong name, it carries some authority innately. It's also a family name. I have a great great uncle who was nicknamed Boss, and your mom has a great great grandfather named Boss Myers. Your name describes your character and it connects you to your family. Ryan is the name of my best friend Ryan Alexander Ormes. He's the guy I met in 2005, connected me with your mom in 07, and stood by my side in 09 when I married her. He's someone I wanted to honor and want you to know. Plus he's British which is always fun. Ryan is also a name that means "little king" Boss means "one with authority". There is something so very intriguing about seeing you in that role as a leader someday given what we know about you so far. You are really just so easy going and steady. I can't wait to see who you become. The other day your mom and I spent some time in prayer and looking through scripture and found this verse which we think is really for you:
SO, to the day you were born. It was a Sunday morning. We showed up to the hospital early in the morning, I think around 4am. Your mom had the most chill labor. She of course knew she wanted an epidural, and we had done it all before, so there was little anxiety. You had a good pregnancy and your mom felt pretty good the whole time. The people in the room were your mom and you of course, me, your Noni, Haley Myers-Brannon and our nurse was Ashley Venable, my longtime friend. She was there to deliver your brother too. It was such a peaceful experience. Even when you came out, you cried, but it was just easy. You were finally here and we just adored you. You did break your clavicle, which we didn't find out for a few days, so that probably hurt. Sorry about that.
As far as the last 10 weeks, Its been really cool getting to know you. You're a really great baby. You sleep well, you eat well, you cry when you're hungry and when you're sleepy. You hate having hiccups, which I do too, and you poop like a machine. You're handsome as any boy I've ever seen and just really peaceful. We have alot of peace in our home because of you. I can't wait to get to know you.
I'll definitely try to write more and more, which will be easier as I transition to working one job after this summer. Talk to you soon Boss man!
Love you
Dad
So as I write this, I'm feeling pretty guilty. I thought that I would write you a letter on the day that you were born, something to tell you exactly how I felt watching you enter this world. And that was like 10 weeks ago. Luckily, I'm pretty sharp and I can remember most all of it.
First off, I want to tell you about your name. No doubt, you'll take some slack from ignorant people who can't think of anything very original or creative to say about your name, so you'll likely hear the same comments most of your life. For that I am sorry, not for giving you your name, but just for all of the stupid people in the world you are entering. Boss is a strong name, it carries some authority innately. It's also a family name. I have a great great uncle who was nicknamed Boss, and your mom has a great great grandfather named Boss Myers. Your name describes your character and it connects you to your family. Ryan is the name of my best friend Ryan Alexander Ormes. He's the guy I met in 2005, connected me with your mom in 07, and stood by my side in 09 when I married her. He's someone I wanted to honor and want you to know. Plus he's British which is always fun. Ryan is also a name that means "little king" Boss means "one with authority". There is something so very intriguing about seeing you in that role as a leader someday given what we know about you so far. You are really just so easy going and steady. I can't wait to see who you become. The other day your mom and I spent some time in prayer and looking through scripture and found this verse which we think is really for you:
Psalm 45:2-7
New Living Translation (NLT)
2 You are the most handsome of all.
Gracious words stream from your lips.
God himself has blessed you forever.
3 Put on your sword, O mighty warrior!
You are so glorious, so majestic!
4 In your majesty, ride out to victory,
defending truth, humility, and justice.
Go forth to perform awe-inspiring deeds!
5 Your arrows are sharp, piercing your enemies’ hearts.
The nations fall beneath your feet.
Gracious words stream from your lips.
God himself has blessed you forever.
3 Put on your sword, O mighty warrior!
You are so glorious, so majestic!
4 In your majesty, ride out to victory,
defending truth, humility, and justice.
Go forth to perform awe-inspiring deeds!
5 Your arrows are sharp, piercing your enemies’ hearts.
The nations fall beneath your feet.
6 Your throne, O God,[a] endures forever and ever.
You rule with a scepter of justice.
7 You love justice and hate evil.
Therefore God, your God, has anointed you,
pouring out the oil of joy on you more than on anyone else.
You rule with a scepter of justice.
7 You love justice and hate evil.
Therefore God, your God, has anointed you,
pouring out the oil of joy on you more than on anyone else.
There's no other way to say it than, that's just badass
SO, to the day you were born. It was a Sunday morning. We showed up to the hospital early in the morning, I think around 4am. Your mom had the most chill labor. She of course knew she wanted an epidural, and we had done it all before, so there was little anxiety. You had a good pregnancy and your mom felt pretty good the whole time. The people in the room were your mom and you of course, me, your Noni, Haley Myers-Brannon and our nurse was Ashley Venable, my longtime friend. She was there to deliver your brother too. It was such a peaceful experience. Even when you came out, you cried, but it was just easy. You were finally here and we just adored you. You did break your clavicle, which we didn't find out for a few days, so that probably hurt. Sorry about that.
As far as the last 10 weeks, Its been really cool getting to know you. You're a really great baby. You sleep well, you eat well, you cry when you're hungry and when you're sleepy. You hate having hiccups, which I do too, and you poop like a machine. You're handsome as any boy I've ever seen and just really peaceful. We have alot of peace in our home because of you. I can't wait to get to know you.
I'll definitely try to write more and more, which will be easier as I transition to working one job after this summer. Talk to you soon Boss man!
Love you
Dad
Happy Birthday
Happy Birthday Bear!
You turned 3 today. It's just before midnight, May 26, 2014. You woke up this morning and the first words I heard you say were the same as every other morning, "Daddy, can I watch a show?". We spent the morning scrambling to clean the house, then we went to the grocery store to buy sushi and some sodas and then your Grandma, Great-Grandma, Uncle Jeremiah and Haley Myers-Brannon came by the house. It was raining all day, with some thunder and lightning. After some homemade from scratch strawberry cake and store bought ice cream, we opened your presents. You got a new soccer ball, a t-ball set, some toys to dig in the dirt with and some water guns. Obviously we went outside to try out all of your new stuff. You squirted me in the crotch and chased me around the yard. It was a ton of fun. You showed a bit of a knack for hitting that baseball, which is intriguing to see if anything comes of that. You also kick that ball really well too. Most importantly, you just bring a ton of joy to our hearts and to our family. You do throw some pretty gnarly tantrums when you don't get what you want or if you're super tired, but you bounce back quick. The biggest thing I want you to know is that you're super loved. Your mom loves you a tremendous deal and she takes great care of you. I think you're pretty great. Your brother Boss even seems to like you, though not as much as crazy milk.
Happy Birthday Son, way to be 3!
Dad
You turned 3 today. It's just before midnight, May 26, 2014. You woke up this morning and the first words I heard you say were the same as every other morning, "Daddy, can I watch a show?". We spent the morning scrambling to clean the house, then we went to the grocery store to buy sushi and some sodas and then your Grandma, Great-Grandma, Uncle Jeremiah and Haley Myers-Brannon came by the house. It was raining all day, with some thunder and lightning. After some homemade from scratch strawberry cake and store bought ice cream, we opened your presents. You got a new soccer ball, a t-ball set, some toys to dig in the dirt with and some water guns. Obviously we went outside to try out all of your new stuff. You squirted me in the crotch and chased me around the yard. It was a ton of fun. You showed a bit of a knack for hitting that baseball, which is intriguing to see if anything comes of that. You also kick that ball really well too. Most importantly, you just bring a ton of joy to our hearts and to our family. You do throw some pretty gnarly tantrums when you don't get what you want or if you're super tired, but you bounce back quick. The biggest thing I want you to know is that you're super loved. Your mom loves you a tremendous deal and she takes great care of you. I think you're pretty great. Your brother Boss even seems to like you, though not as much as crazy milk.
Happy Birthday Son, way to be 3!
Dad
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