Tomorrow I turn 30 yrs. old. Today I wished a happy birthday to a friend who was born the day before me. We're birthday buddies and have been for 18 years. It's funny, because when I was 12 and 16 and 21 and even 25, 30 seemed so odd and far off. For a lot of people, turning 30 seems to be a scary thing. Its some kind of deadline for having your shit together. Unfortunately, for most people, that day comes and goes and people feel inadequate in their achievement or relationships or some other measure of success.
As I reflect on my twenties, I think of the magnificent journey of the last ten years. Ten years ago, i switched my major to Pastoral Care, opening the door for vocational ministry. I was in the thick of volunteering at Guts. Single, overweight, desperate for real friendship and belonging. I felt alone, and I chased after girls in real life and in chat rooms, hoping to be significant to someone else. I had no idea the journey God had me on. The sights I would see, the friendships I would develop, the love I would feel for you and your mom and your baby sibling ( your mom is 9 weeks pregnant with your little bro/sis, we're not sure yet), seemed like a dream. I wouldn't figure to have just finished a Master's degree and be waiting to hear back from an agency about my first counseling job. I definitely wouldn't think I'd have high blood pressure, taking medication and having to drop another 60 lbs, having already lost 40.
In my twenties I've been to Australia, Switzerland, the Caribbean, all over the US. I've lived in Brooklyn and bought a house in Tulsa. I've kissed 5 different girls, and one woman who I'll kiss for the rest of my life. I've coached young boys and called them to become men. I've taught, served and caddied. I've built and destroyed, I've fathered a son I couldn't be more proud of, graduated twice and successfully separated from my parents as an adult. As I've become a man, Father has taught me what it means to be a son. I've come to know the beauty of humility, the hypocrisy of pride, the difficulty and necessity of surrender. I've sat with countless men and boys, sharing my heart with them and hearing theirs. I've found my life's work. They say that when you know who you are, you have become a man. I feel like I've got a good sense of who I am and what I'll do with the next 30 yrs, but I know that the journey has just begun. There's a poem that I found in my twenties that gave me vision for what I am becoming. I hope to see it blossom in my thirties.
As I reach this point in my life, your life is just beginning. You are beginning to have the experiences that will stick in your mind as memories of your life. Your personality is becoming so evident. Your joy, your willfulness, your ability to connect with others and lead them with your tender masculinity. They make me laugh with glee. Every night I sing you to sleep. Your requests are consistent. "The Dance" by Garth Brooks, "Amazing Grace", "Forever Young" by Bob Dylan, which you sing with me and crack me up. Then always "Twinkle Twinkly Little Star" and "The Itsy Bitsy Spider". Singing and rocking with you brings me more satisfaction than 20 year old me could have fathomed. As I enter my 30s, I hope to teach you manhood as I live it out more fully every day. Be inspired by the words of Rudyard Kipling's poem "If":
If
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;
If you can dream---and not make dreams your master;
If you can think---and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:.
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings---nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And---which is more---you'll be a Man, my son!
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;
If you can dream---and not make dreams your master;
If you can think---and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:.
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings---nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And---which is more---you'll be a Man, my son!
Rudyard Kipling
I love you with my whole heart son, and I love being your dad.
Dad
