powerless

Good morning son!
Its 1:49am on a Friday. I just looked in on you and you were squirming around like a little caterpillar and grunting like you often do. I'm betting you're about to wake your mom up for a 2am feeding. You really ought to give your mom a hug after you read this. I'm wide awake because I was dumb enough to drink a diet coke later in the afternoon, so here we are.

Last night we all had an interesting time. We were putting you to bed, which involves giving you a new diaper, changing into pajamas and then one good feeding so you'll sleep for several hours. You've been a bit fussy lately and one of the only things that makes you feel better is eating, which has consequently made you a good sized little chubbers. Anyways, your mom was feeding you, and you were fine, but EVERY TIME she tried to burp you, you would lose it and just start screaming. We tried everything we could think of, but nothing quite worked. You had sucked all the milk out of your mom and milk was the only thing that could console you. Mom was getting frustrated because she couldn't give you the milk you wanted and I was frustrated because, well neither can I, ever. The best I can do is bottle feed you. So your mom is the Sahara, and the only milk we have in the house for you is frozen, so your mom goes to thaw some out, which leaves me holding precious little screaming inconsolable you. Finally your mom comes back with some milk, which I feed you and you finally calm down, until I try to burp you, then you lose it again. Then the bottle is empty, you continue to lose it. Mom is working on another bottle, you're still screaming. Its been 25 minutes now that you've been screaming. I'm starting to get flustered. Mom comes back with a bottle, you take it eventually, but not at first. This frustrates me more. You finish the bottle, I try to burp you, you scream, and I'm done. I put you in the cradle, determined to let you scream until you decide to stop. I'm completely overwhelmed.

Luckily your mom rebounded from her frustration and told me to give you to her, where she somehow managed to lull you instantly to sleep. I didn't see that part though. I was outside, taking some deep breaths, trying to calm myself from the urge to toss my firstborn son out the window.

Baby screams aren't that bad, in fact they'll only get louder and longer, but the frustration for me came from my utter powerlessness. Men are fixers by nature. We take pleasure in solving problems and bringing peace to turbulent situations. It helps us feel that we have some semblance of influence over our existence. The truth of the matter is that we are really pretty impotent, pretty weak and helpless and when the popsicle stick kingdom we build around us is blown away, we tend to revert back to our tantrum days. I think that is the real reason that it is so hard for men to serve God. We have an awfully hard time admitting that we can't do much on our own strength.

Now I'm not one to go around asking for help from just anyone. I've got a pretty healthy dose of man pride and i'll mess up a few dozen times trying to figure something out before i'll succumb to common sense and find someone who knows what's going on. Its hard to admit that you cant do something on your own, that you aren't powerful enough to conquer the universe. Especially if you have bought into the lie that your value lies in your ability or your power. Hopefully I have taught you about your sonship, to me and to God. Hopefully I have raised you to know that you are loved apart from what you do or do not accomplish. Hopefully you associate your actions with consequences and opportunities and not personal value. Hopefully. Its a pretty daunting task to be honest. One that I'm not sure that I can take on alone. So I leave you with this thought: Do all that you know to do, and when that runs out, learn more. When you find that that is not enough, and you have given all the effort you can muster, take a step back, take a deep breath, remember that you are a son and resign yourself to the sovereignty and power of All Mighty God. Seek his kingdom, his ways, his guidance and he'll lead you into all truth. He is the shepherd, we are the sheep in this deal. You and I are pretty awesome, and yet he is so much greater.

God has taught me this truth. Humility is not self-deprication, it is not denying your strength or hiding your light, it is simply recognizing how much greater is God's. Without humility, it is impossible to enter the Kingdom. Humility is not weakness, its just good common sense.
Love you son,
Dad

When you smile

So son-
   Today, you're 5 weeks and 2 days old. You weigh a bit over 11 lbs and are about 22 inches long. Your cousin Ellery was born yesterday and im sitting here watching you sleep in your swing while Maria Sharapova plays in the Wimbledon final, look here up, she's pretty cute.
   This morning i woke up to come settle you down. You had a pretty busy night last, up and crying about every hour or so, wanting to eat or needing to burp. Your mom is pretty worn out at this point in the game, but its amazing how the moment she looks at you, her attitude changes. She really really loves you.
   So when I walked into your room this morning, you looked up and gave me the quickest little smile. and it just about made my heart burst. You haven't been an especially smiley baby thus far. You're pretty mild mannered. You don't really cry unless you're hungry or gassy, in fact most of the time you have this very analytical look on your face like you are pondering the deep mysteries of the universe or wondering why everyone around you is so ridiculous. And when you do smile alot of times it is when you are sleeping or gassy, but every once in a while you drop this adorable grin and your eyes squint up. Its pretty awesome.
   I think the reason your smile is so powerful is because its so rare, and every little grin you give is a glimmer of hope that you will have the joyful life that we so desire for you. There is much pain in life, much toil and grief, but all of that can be overcome by simple joy. A simple laugh can break so much tension and melt so much sadness. Joy is not to be confused with happiness, joy is much stronger, much heartier. The word speaks a great deal about the importance of joyfullness in contrast to a broken spirit. A smile and a laugh will get you through the toughest times. So my son, my prayer for you is that in the midst of difficulty and pain, you will find the strength to grin, to smile and to laugh, and perhaps even find an appropriate and well timed joke.
Love you Bear
Dad