Christmas Eve

Dear baby Titan-

So we had a vote last Sunday at the Fusion 78 Christmas party, and the group elected that we shall from now until your birth, regardless of your sex, refer to you as baby Titan, named after a gladiator from the American Gladiators show from the 1990's you'll of course have never seen it, but it was epic. I definitely recommend that you google it, or since by the time you read this, there will search engines directly linked into everyone's brains, just think about it and you'll get the connection.

Anyways, I sent your mom to bed because i was trying to watch a football game and ever since she got into this pregnancy thing, its completely jacked her sinuses and she now sounds like a grizzly bear, so she was sleeping on the couch and i couldn't hear. i sleep on the couch sometimes when i can't take it anymore, but i digress. So i'm sitting here an hour before midnight on the last Christmas Eve that i'll ever be without you, like ever, which is so crazy. Tomorrow your grandpa and grandma and aunt amber and uncle miah and uncle john and cousin elijah will all come over to celebrate the day, and i'm really excited about it. I love spending time with family, love taking care of people.

In a way though, its weird for me too. because all of a sudden, seemingly out of nowhere, your mom and i have stepped into this role of hosting Christmas. Nothing extravagant, just cleaning the house, buying food, making sure that everyone has some fun gifts to unwrap on Christmas day, the stuff that parents do. the only thing is that it wasn't so long ago that i was a kid, burning my tongue on hot chocolate while we drove around looking at christmas lights, playing with the hot wax from the candles in the candlelight service (i still do that though),  opening pajamas as my one Christmas Eve gift EVERY year, waking up super early to rush downstairs and open stockings and eat cinnamon rolls, stacking all of my gifts away in a corner somewhere so i wouldn't lose anything. I have so many wonderful memories of why i loved this holiday, and in a way i feel like i'm mourning the end of my childhood, the wonder, the anticipation, the innocence of it all.  I'm so incredibly excited about this next chapter of life. I've dreamt about being married and having kids and being a great dad for a long time, and i'm realizing that there is increasingly diminishing room for selfishness in my life. Part of the journey of life is discovering the joy of finding fulfillment in the fulfilling of others. Turning the focus of your effort and energy to taking care of those who cannot do for themselves. Its a really difficult transformation to endure, being molded into image of Jesus by denying yourself, but man I'm really excited to become more like him.

I didn't really intend for this to become a preachy note, but the deeper into this life journey I get, the more and more i depend on my Father God for strength and peace and provision and guidance and mercy and just plain old love and acceptance. Its like reverse growing up. The more independent i become in my life and the more others depend on me, the more i must turn to God and lean on him. there's a scripture that talks about, when i am weak, then i am strong. that's so very much where i am. Nights like tonight, when its tough to swallow life, i'm drawn back again into a dependance on God as my help, my source.

Anyways, next year we'll have a cheesy family picture to send out to every one, you'll be nearly 7 months old, hopefully past the ugly newborn baby stage. Love you baby T- Pops

baby kicks

So today turned out to be an amazing day. Went with Afton to do some Christmas shopping and then went to the week 13 doctor's appointment. The doctor did an ultrasound, and for the first time we saw our baby looking like a tiny human. Even though only 3 inches long, we could definitely tell baby was a human being with a spinal cord, legs, arms, and brain. The highlight of the day, maybe even of the month was seeing baby kick his/her little legs and squirm around. I couldn't stop smiling. Afton couldn't stop talking about it. We are so excited, and for the first time, i wasn't thinking about money or logistics, daycare or fixing up a nursery. That baby kicking its tiny legs had my entire attention. It's funny to hear people talk about how childbirth is this miracle, but then to see my wife's body change, her belly grow, to see all the queasiness and then to see a tiny tiny baby kicking around, it really does defy my understanding of how things happen. I can't imagine pawning off something so wonderfully inexplicable as just an accident. I can't wait to meet my child, whoever she or he is.